3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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