singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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