Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That was an excessively violent trivia night
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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