does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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