I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
