just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
