Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
