there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
