my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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