my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
