Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
