so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize