happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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