Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
