I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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