believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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