ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
