So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
