My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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