I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
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