Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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