Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize