you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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