Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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