ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
