The maid of honor just puked.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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