How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
