I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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