you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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