i just wanna soil my oats bro
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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