This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize