he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
