im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
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