its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
