Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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