well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
