You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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