Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
