got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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