Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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