I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
