Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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