I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
