I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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