11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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