see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
