Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
