I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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