also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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