Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
