We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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