i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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