I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
