So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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