Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
