On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
so much tequila, so little girl.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
