the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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