there's paper in my vomit.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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